Revenge of the Poop

Disclaimer: Please do not continue if you don’t want to read graphic descriptions of poop.

So Miranda’s bowel regimen worked great. But then we got complacent and stopped the mineral oil and the Benefiber and let her eat a bunch of cheese, and she didn’t poop for three days. I was by myself with the kids that evening when I noticed poor Miranda doing her straining and crying. After 20 minutes of turning all shades of red, I checked her diaper. Nothing. I then decided that she was going to need an enema. I grabbed a glycerin suppository that I had bought earlier “just in case” and took her to the bathroom.

I took off all her clothes, lay her on her side in the bathtub, and squirted in the suppository. Miranda immediately stood up despite all my efforts to keep her down. Then she wanted to play in the bathtub. Still no poop. I then took her out of the bathtub and sat her on the toilet. Now, Miranda has never sat on the toilet before, so the gaping hole that her butt was in terrified her, and she kept squirming off the toilet seat. I then decided that if she wasn’t going to poop, I should at least put a diaper on her. But the diapers were in the other room. So, I lifted her up and started carrying her to the other room. Suddenly, she started crying and I noticed that I was leaving a trail of poop from the bathroom into the family room.

Panicked, I couldn’t decide if I should turn around and go back to the bathroom or keep going to the family room to put on the diaper. Meanwhile, Eleanor was in the family room staring at us, wondering what was going on. Finally, I decided I didn’t want to leave poop over the family room rug, so I turned around and headed back to the bathroom. I put Miranda straight on the toilet where she was able to finish pooping. Then, I heard some laughing and Eleanor appeared at the bathroom door, her knees and hands covered in Miranda’s poop.

I took Miranda off the toilet and stood her at the bathtub and desperately tried to at least clean off Eleanor’s hands. Suddenly, Miranda started crying again, and I turned to find her pooping onto the bathroom floor. I grabbed a bunch of toilet paper and tried to clean off the bathroom floor. When I looked up, Eleanor was laughing again, putting her hand on Miranda’s butt, and smearing the poop everywhere. At this point, I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.

I grabbed Eleanor, cleaned off her hands and moved her to the other end of the bathroom. (I couldn’t put her in the other room because she still had poop on her knees.) I picked up Miranda, wiped her off as best I could and put her in the bathtub. I washed Miranda, brought her to the other room (while gingerly avoiding stepping on poop), dressed her, and gave her her bedtime bottle. I went back to the bathroom, grabbed Eleanor, washed her, and gave her a bottle. Then, while the girls were eating, I took out bleach for the bathroom, and Formula 409 for the hallway floor. I threw everything Eleanor touched or crawled over into a trash bag. Goodbye bathroom toiletries. I had time to clean up everything in the bathroom except the bathtub by the time the girls finished their bottles. Then, teeth-brushing, bedtime story, and bed for the girls. Then, total scrub down of the bathtub with bleach.

I was about to pass-out when Bernard came home. “How was it tonight?” he asked.

We’ve been pretty vigilant with Miranda’s bowel regimen since.