I started a tantrum log last week because I started feeling like there was an almost daily blow-up from the kids. I also started to dread picking them up from daycare because of the tantrums. I guess I was hoping the log would reveal what I was doing wrong. Well, the log was okay for minor events like “didn’t want to get dressed–had a fit”, but a real tantrum involves an escalating series of events that involves several paragraphs. Doesn’t work for a log.
Here’s what happened yesterday:
I arrived at home at 6pm after picking up the kids from daycare. On the ride home, the kids were pointing out all the stop signs, and when we got home, Eleanor wanted to go look at the stop sign across the street. I decided the three of us would go for a nice walk and look at the stop sign. Well, Eleanor didn’t want to walk, she wanted to be carried. (I think so she would be higher up to get a better view of the stop sign.) So I tried carrying Eleanor and holding Miranda’s hand. When we got to the stop sign, Miranda wanted to be carried too, but I can’t carry them both anymore–I have wrist and shoulder pain–so I tried putting Eleanor down, and picking up Miranda. This, of course, resulted in Eleanor getting upset, so I put Miranda down and picked Eleanor back up. Then, Miranda got upset, so despite searing pain in my arm and back, I grabbed both of them, and started walking home. Eleanor started crying, “Stop sign! Stop sign!” and when we got home, I made the stupid decision of letting Miranda go inside the house, closing the door, and turning around and taking Eleanor back to the stop sign.
Eleanor was happy to be the only child for a little while as the two of us went back to look at the stop sign. After a few moments, we said, “bye bye” to the stop sign and and I started to head back to the house, only to turn around again because Eleanor wanted to go back to the stop sign. The second time we went back to the house, I could hear Miranda crying from behind the door, so despite Eleanor’s crying, I rushed inside the house to make sure Miranda was okay. Miranda was just inside the door, bawling because she thought she had been abandoned. I also noticed that the bathroom faucet was on, and there was water all over the floor. I didn’t even want to think of the horrible burning/drowning that could have happened since I left Miranda in the house alone. I checked Miranda all over to make sure she was okay. She stopped crying and wanted me to read a book to her.
Since I felt extremely guilty towards Miranda, I let her sit in my lap while I read a book to her. Meanwhile, Eleanor was standing next to us screaming, “OUTSIDE! OUTSIDE!” and pointing at the front door. By this time it was 6:20, and I really needed to get dinner started. I decided to put a Richard Scarry DVD on. Miranda sat quietly on the couch waiting for the video to start, but Eleanor started yelling, “MIFFY! MIFFY!” She wanted to watch another DVD. I said, “Okay, we can watch Miffy,” and started to change the DVD, but then Miranda said, “Scawee! Scawee!” She wanted the current DVD. I then grabbed Eleanor and put her in the office while I tried to get the Miffy DVD to play in the office computer. I was having a bit of trouble, when I noticed that Miranda had come in to the office. Suddenly they were both playing with the revolving chairs in the office and I was about to lose it. Then, I heard the front door open, and felt extreme relief because Bernard was home earlier than usual.
I picked up Miranda and brought her to the kitchen, and Bernard promptly turned the Miffy DVD off and stopped Eleanor from playing with everything on the computer desk. She started to go ballistic. I started Miranda with her dinner, then picked up Eleanor to take her outside. When she realized we were going back to the stop sign, she stopped crying. We went back and forth a few times to look at the stop sign, and then I brought a calm Eleanor back to the dinner table. However, a few seconds after I put her in the high chair, she started screaming, “OUTSIDE! OUTSIDE!” again and blew into a full blown tantrum. Now she was bucking in her high chair and throwing food on the ground. Bernard took her out of the high chair and let her tantrum on the rubber mat in the family room. After a few minutes of lying on the floor screaming her head off, she moved into a sitting position and started crying, “Milk, milk!” Bernard gave her a cup of milk, which she drank quietly while sitting on the floor. Note that I had offered her a cup of milk twice before, but she threw the cup away both times.
Reading over what happened, I can’t even begin to figure out how to fix things. I think in some twisted way, I am reinforcing Eleanor’s tantrums, and basically teaching her that if she cries hard enough, she’ll get what she wants. I know that I will never leave one of them alone again. I think I need to think about this some more and see if I can figure out what to do.
Hey, you’ve got 2 two-year olds, there may not be a way to fix things. And there probably isn’t a right or a wrong way to deal with it.
I thought we were going to get away with Theo not going throught the terrible two’s but I think he’s in it now (he’s 2 and a half). He needs to be in control of everything these days, getting dressed, putting his shoes on, who hands him his milk. I’ll be standing there handing him his milk and he’ll say “No, Daddy do it!” and he will have a tantrum if I give it to him.
I think the thing to do is to keep your mindset in the right place; ie, they aren’t doing this deliberately to drive you crazy. They are trying to have some control over things in their life. And they probably save this type of behavior for the people they love best, their parents. They probably don’t do this at day care (theo doesn’t).
It doesn’t last forever. I have the hindsight of seeing that Isaac got much more reasonable at about age 3 or 3 and a half.
By the way, Isaac (who is almost 4) loves to play the little videos of the girls that you put on the blog himself. He’ll play them about 20 times before he gets bored!
she’s right… you’ve got double pleasure
anyway, lucas never had terrible two’s… he just has terrible 3’s. he was my Mr. okay with a forever smile “okay, mommy, for everything”. Ethan will be my Mr. No with the evil eye(he started saying no and pointing his finger and he thinks it’s really funny). you just have to be firm and consistent and they’ll outgrow it. with the control issue, i give lucas a couple choices (not a whole slew) so he can feel that he has a choice… (isn’t that what we do with men?… hee hee hee… hope bernard is not reading this.
Yes, tantrum prevention is important, hunger being a big trigger for both adults and children, as well as exhaustion (especially during or when convalescing from illness). That being said, right after daycare pick-up is really the witching hour with kids. In fact, I notice that time of day to be most difficult even when I’ve been home with them all day. Lucky working parents we are, to get to experience THAT when we are reunited with our children.
It helps me mentally, when a child is upset and acting out, to think about what they really, really need, not what they say they want at that moment, because most of the time they’ve forgotten what triggered the tantrum and have just fixated on something else. Often what they really neeeeeeed is, as mentioned above, a bite to eat, or a rest in a quiet place, or even a nice hug. However, we will send them off to recover themselves if we believe that none of those things is the problem and they are just being a little spoiled (more applicable to older kids than ones the ages of yours).
Beyond that, remembering that it’s not forever is the big thing. Our kids still have tantrums of a sort, but you can somewhat reason with the kids as they get older, and it’s generally more obvious to us what the trigger was.
Hang in there, you’re doing great!